Has this ever happened to you?
You’re on your phone and you start scrolling.
Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, the usual.
You come across a young person.. A very young person.
That is talented.
They’re also good looking.
And ripped.
And a musician.
And you’re thinking “oh wow… a person who has done more in their 18 years of life than I ever will…”
You click on the comments, see a bunch of blue tick accounts gassing them up.
You click on one of the profiles commenting.
And you see they’re even younger, more talented, and more successful than the last person.
And they have no signs of struggle.
Or even taking it a few steps back.
You come across a high school classmate posting about how they and their beautiful partner just bought their first house.
In this economy.
After 45 minutes of scrolling, you put your phone down and look at your life.
You don’t see any fans, well maybe you do (a ceiling fan) but not the kind you want.
No hot, sexy partner.
You don’t see a G-Wagon parked outside.
You have a pile of clothes sitting on a chair that is falling apart that needs to be put way.
You might think “oh some day I will have that mansion, I’ll be successful too.”
But its more likely that you feel behind in life after you scroll on social media.
You will feel like everyone is getting ahead of you and leaving you behind.
But there is good news.
And it’s that you can be these people, but you must create your own definition of success.
We need more perspective.
Comparison is the enemy.
Let’s first talk about Dunbar’s Number.
This a suggested cognitive limit to the number of people with whom one can maintain stable social relationships.
150.
Of course this number is being debated and access to social media definitely throws some added complication to this.
But beyond that, we are biologically hardwired to compare ourselves to other people.
It is a survival mechanism.
Social circles have been key for the development of civilization, so if you act too far from what is considered normal, the rest of the circle might see you as an outcast or a threat to the groups survival.
Which can be good today, as you can find communities no matter how niche your interests are or how strange your personality is.
And I’m not saying to become something you’re not just to fit in.
I want to highlight that with social media, you have access to more people “making it”, filling up those 150 slots of Dunbar’s number.
If you only had access to your small local community, your perspective will be a lot different.
In a small rural town, the guy making $100k a year as a plumber and going home to his farm every night might be the definition of success.
But now it’s the multimillionaire high schooler posting dancing videos on Tiktok.
So looking at this concept, it’s easy to think the solution would be to flood your perspective with people doing worse than you so you feel better.
Just go hangout with the kid who sold his winning lottery tickets for a cheeseburger.
But that is more or less the same habit that will just lead to the inevitable ugly feelings and further solidify feelings of mediocrity.
The better solution is to fill those comparison slots with people who inspire you.
Sometimes it is the young entrepreneur.
Or the guy who got in shape and built a business during medical school.
But have perspective.
These people aren’t the norm.
Colonel Sanders made KFC in his 60s.
JK Rowling wrote Harry Potter in her 40s.
Vincent Van Gogh’s art wasn’t popular until well after he passed away.
So feeling behind in life has to do with feeling like you have not had enough success by a certain age.
Age and success are the variables here.
So I want to continue to break those down.
Pressure from others will be there.
A lot of people who feel behind in life or are chasing success in a traditional sense have this idea that we have to be worthy of other people’s love and approval, but really its more important to achieve things on our own to be worthy of our own love.
Its often a self-love problem, rather than an accomplishment problem.
And with what we are exposed to, its easy to just compare yourself to someone else who you see making it on social media.
And trust me, I’m making this because I do it too.
No matter how much I accomplish, I still am comparing myself and the goal post is always moving.
So this begs the question, what I do?
Just love myself?
Let my drive for success die?
That could sound good in theory but awful in practice.
Personally, I think we need two things to come from this.
We need to one, reshape our mindset around what success and fulfillment is, and two, redefine success in a way that leads to self love.
Happiness is a choice.
So first lets start with reshaping our mindset.
I’m sure you’ve heard the quote like ‘what do you wanna be when you grow up?” and someone answers “happy”.
I think the ultimate feeling we are all chasing is happiness and fulfillment.
And happiness is a choice.
I’ve pictured my definition of success to include a lavish lifestyle with a beautiful family on a beautiful island with a beach and mountains where everything is great and no problems exist.
But this is a dream.
Just fantasy.
But these fantasies don’t accurately reflect how life will look like after achieving my goals or reach a certain income.
I can definitely say that meeting my physiological needs for food, water, shelter, and safety will increase happiness.
Scientists say that threshold is $75,000 a year to be happy.
This is said to be the point where happiness wanes as income increases.
But honestly…I don’t think that’s true.
$75,000 in New York City won’t take you as far as rural Mississippi.
And more money (done right) can lead to more security, opportunity, and exposure to experiences.
The point of this is to say that becoming a millionaire will still give you problems.
I can confidently tell you that my income has increased beyond $75k in recent years, and my happiness really isn’t any different than when I was in high school supported by my parents or in medical school surviving on student loans.
I still have problems – just different ones.
So if you think a million dollars or a hot girlfriend or boyfriend or a big house will suddenly rid you of your problems, you are sorely mistaken.
Let’s talk effective forecasting.
This is the prediction of one’s emotional state in the future as a process that influences preferences, decisions, and behavior.
So this means that we try to predict our emotional state in the future when some certain event happens.
Like when you think that vacation or promotion will make you happier.
Or when you eat that ice cream or pizza and think your cravings will be satisfied.
But what you didn’t forecast is that you would feel heavy, gross, or sluggish.
Or you didn’t foresee getting sunburned during that vacation, or the extra obligations that promotion would give.
The point is that we tend to be inaccurate in how we think we will feel in the future.
Because like I said earlier, no matter where we are in life, there will always be problems.
Kim K may have all the money in the world, but she will still have an emotional breakdown when losing her earrings.
Sure, losing multiple 5 figure earrings is a good problem to have, but problems don’t go away.
So don’t let your happiness be conditional.
You won’t be happy when you have x item or x partner.
You have to realize that happiness is a conscious choice.
But sometimes that is easier said than done.
Redefine success
So as a next step, we have to redefine our own metrics of success.
Society will have you think that money, six pack abs, and beautiful beach vacations are success.
But this is the point where have to back up and realize that society is assigning you the metric of success.
But you are you, you are not society.
Those things could be important to you, but your own metrics of success will be different.
For me, success is having incredible relationships and friendships and doing meaningful work.
So I’d definitely recommend you journal or go on a walk and think about how you define success.
The second variable to discuss is timing.
This is something I’ve realized only lately.
Young success looks really cool on the surface.
But deeper than that, it is often pure agony.
There are a few people I think about often to highlight this.
The first is Lil Xan.
He blew up in 2017 at the ripe age of 20 years old.
But blowing up quickly, often comes with a quick downfall.
Lil Xan struggled with drugs, stopped making music, and eventually went bankrupt.
The lifestyle got to him, and now he is back at square one.
In the fitness world, some of you may remember William Li.
The guy poking and jiggling his chest telling you what muscles to work.
You remember him.
He blew up quickly based on his lean physique and entertaining persona.
He wasn’t able to sustain the leanness that got him famous in the first place, and we haven’t heard about him in over a year.
So another question to think about: how can deferred success serve you in the long run?
Quick riches, fame, or success is great.
But the average millionaire in the USA is 57 years old.
After decades of the grind, you become the person required to maintain a certain level of success.
So you don’t blow up, not know how to handle it, and lose it.
Develop process-driven outcomes.
It is absolutely essential to learn to focus on the process over the outcome.
Sure you want a six pack or 1 million dollars.
But how are you going to get there?
I find that having outcome goals is great for motivation so you keep the end goal in mind, but I argue process goals are equally as important.
So it is about greeting a process or system that will not only get you to where you want to be, but it also has to be something that you enjoy so you aren’t dreading the entire experience.
Make the process sustainable.
Feelings of shame and feeling behind in life will creep in.
But when you’ve done a lot that day, have process based goals, you won’t feel as bad and you will recognize you are in the right place.
You vs. you
Compare you to your previous you.
You probably have already heard this advice, but I really do believe in its effectiveness.
Social media tends to be the main culprit why people feel left behind.
It is a highlight reel.
You are always reading about people’s highlights and how much they’ve done over the last few years.
But we tend to forget what WE have done in the past few years.
If you think about the time since you’ve graduated to the present moment where you’re seeing all your classmates do a bunch of cool stuff, chances are you’ve done a lot of cool stuff too.
I’ve graduated medical school, gotten into better shape, built several successful businesses, found my soulmate, and shoot, I still feel behind when I compare myself to others.
But it is my own journey, and I’m an entirely different person.
You cannot compare your step 1 to someone else’s step 100 in the journey of thousands of steps.
Everyone is born with different circumstances and they all come together to be your own experience of life.
We don’t always start at the same place, so try not to worry too much about where others are and just take some time to evaluate whether or not you have been getting closer or farther away from your long-term goals.
I promise you that if you are making small consistent little changes throughout your daily life, you will be happy with yourself long term.
So those are my thoughts.
Social media is toxic, unfollow people that don’t educate or inspire you.
Focus on the process, not the outcome.
Compare you to you.
Simple as that.
If you’re interested in more tips related to becoming a top tier human, fill out my 1 on 1 coaching application from the button below to become fitter and healthier – guaranteed in 90 days.
Thanks for reading.
To your continued health and success,
Dr. Christian